19 | 🗣 I'm SH*T at listening

Ahoy,

Here's the thing. I've recently realised I'm a terrible listener. I’m definitely not the only one.

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Listening is this skill we all think we have and we're amazing at.

We all know how to sit still and not speak while another person is talking to us, it's not exactly difficult.

But, what I've learned is that listening is passive - it doesn't require any effort.

When you're in a conversation with someone, you can just sit there and absorb what they are saying. If your mind isn't on the conversation, you won't hear a word.

At points you need to respond with encouragement, or your opinion, or more information to help them continue.

The kind of listening where you are focused, attentive, and responsive, is called Active Listening.

And so it's clear there's a difference.

How many times have you spoken to somebody who is staring at their phone, giving you a 'uhm' here and a 'yeaahhhh' there. You know the listener isn't paying attention, and it can make you feel boring or irrelevant.

The thing is, life is busy, and there are distractions everywhere. Phones especially. Active listening is really hard, and that's why it's rare.

Few of us know how to do it, not because we're bad people, but because nobody taught us how. And because no one listens to us.

This is summed up nicely by a quote I read in Happy by Derren Brown (Happy):

This directly relates to speaking and listening -

So, given this email is a way for me to write about things I'm learning and improving at, here are 5 ways to become better at Active Listening.

1. Give the speaker your undivided attention

Put away distractions, focus on the speaker, forget about anything else.

This isn't easy - a study at the University of Texas found that even having smartphone within sight or within easy reach reduces our ability to focus and perform tasks, because that part of the brain is actively working to not pick up or use the phone.

1. The next part of active listening - is not interrupting

Interrupting is definitely a bad habit of mine. It's usually from a good place - I want to add to a point or expand on something.

But, by interrupting, I'm essentially saying that what I have to say is more important. And who is anyone to make that judgement?

In any case, good or bad, it stops the speaker from finishing their point. And who knows where it could've ended up?

1. When you are actively listening to someone, ask clarifying questions and stay on track

Conversations are built off tangents. If we only spoke about one topic, we'd end up going into a dead end.

It's great when a conversation has natural jumping off points, moving from a recent party, onto how your mutual friend is doing, how is their new dog, I saw an amazing dog in the park recently - it's natural.

But - when a person has a clear topic that they want to discuss, like a job offer they are thinking about, it's really important to stay relevant.

Ask questions to clarify their points and add colour to the argument or the story.

Bring them back to their original point when you find yourself going off on a tangent - 'so anyway, how did the interview go in the end?' or even a simple 'Go on'.

This shows that you have an active interest in the conversation and that you want to hear all about it.

And for those conversations where the speaker really needs advice, pushing them to cover as much detail as possible is really helpful to unearth as many sides to the argument or the decision as possible.

1. Remember: we all have our own perspectives and viewpoints

A good active listener knows that we all have our own judgements on everything and anything.

Active listeners aren't shocked or annoyed at the speaker's opinions - they are just another person's point of view.

I am always in fear of being judged to some extent, so speaking to someone who allows me to be honest and open without worrying about being told I'm wrong is rewarding.

As an active listener, I might disagree with the speaker, but that doesn't mean they are a bad person or they are wrong.

We all have our own viewpoints and we all see life in different ways. I'm not here to judge, I'm here to show that I understand the speaker and their point of view.

1. We don't always need to offer solutions

Sometimes, all the speaker wants to do is get their problems off their chest and let someone know that they are having some issues.

I know how frustrating it can be when I say that I'm really struggling with project and the person I'm talking to says, 'Oh well yeah mate maybe you should try harder, maybe you should spend more time on it'.

I'm sat there thinking 'Yep, I know'. But, what I want to be told instead is 'Wow, that is rubbish. Sorry to hear that you're struggling. That must be really frustrating'.

It's great to just be there for the person you're talking to, letting them unload what they want to say without any judgement or reaction.

There's always a time and a place for constructive advice, but I reckon it's less frequent than we think.

I've been thinking about these different elements for the last week or so and trying to pick up on when I don't achieve them. Surprise surprise - Active Listening is really hard.

But, by focusing on these 5 things, I'm going to be able to connect with people better, and give them the attention they deserve. I might even learn a thing or two!

Thanks! 😎

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This Week’s Recommendation 🔝

Game 🃏 - Monopoly Deal

Great card game that's quick to learn. The games are really fun and can change instantly, it's great to travel with and its about a fiver on Amazon!

This Week I’m: ⬇️

• Reading 📚 - Where the Crawdads Sing - Delia Owens

• Listening to 🎧 - Still listening to Project Hail Mary - Andy Weir (audiobook)

• Visiting 🌳 - Sherwood Forest this week

• Thinking about 🍺 - Drinking less

• Looking forward to 🐶 - A lead training class on Saturday for Benji (not)

This Week’s Quote 💬

There we have it!

Looking forward to catching up next week.

In the meantime, find me on Twitter, Instagram and YouTube, and have a look at what I’m reading on Goodreads. Ciao!